Small Victories

The other night, I spent a few hours as an emotional wreck. Just really freaked out for a variety of unsolvable and overblown reasons. It happens sometimes, right?

I had just got home from an evening of eating and visiting with some friends, and I had really overdone it on the calorie front. That wasn't one of the reasons I was upset, though. I am figuring out how much indulgence I can reasonably work into my life, and this was all within the range.

But when I hit that period of emotional craziness, I of course thought of food. I thought how I might as well just go schnarf down whatever is in the kitchen (which is pretty low on junk as a rule, anyway). I thought it would make me feel better to have something delicious to eat.

Then I said, "No." I thought about my stomach. It felt full from the dinner I had with friends. It didn't want or need more food in it. I thought about my emotions, and whether food would really make my sadness less intense. I knew it wouldn't--it would make it worse, in fact, because I'd feel guilty for behaving foolishly. Even in the midst of bawling my eyes out, I knew. Food would be of no use to me, so why go to it for some kind of false sense of security? Why do that to myself? Don't I deserve better than that?

So I just sat and bawled without food. When I got done crying I felt the same as I would have if I had bawled and eaten. But I didn't have the calories in me to go with it, making things worse.

This is another of my series of little victories. I'm making things work. I'm becoming better at being conscious of my patterns and impulses, and I'm fighting them to be healthy. We all need to be conscious of what we're doing all the time, but most especially when we're feeling unhappy, out of control and vulnerable. Each time we pay attention and combat the bad tendencies, we win. And winning feels good, even when the rest of you feels bad.