Ingesting it Personally

The semester begins, and I fall behind already. Not just on school stuff, but on blogging and on making good decisions, too. Want to know how many cookies I ate in the space of 24 hours?

Four.

(Plus, some carrot cake and coconut cream pie. Some beer. And a margarita. And I put some ground white chocolate in my Caribou coffee.)

My scale doesn't indicate any doom or gloom as a result, so I lucked out. But come on, Dena.

I'm trying so hard not to beat myself up today, but I find that to be such an easy pattern of behavior. Well, there are two easy patterns: 1) eating/drinking crap and 2) beating myself up about it (or whatever else I can invent to beat myself up about).  What's funny is that it's so easy for me to see how destructive this self-cruelty is for other people. I can tell people it's silly to be so hard on themselves. The important thing is to just move on, move forward. But I am the world's only True Failure (tm), so I deserve it. Nice.

Anyway. It did occur to me mid-self-sabotaging that a narcissist--like the textbook one I had to deal with this week--probably never has to deal with this kind of emotion. There's a certain appeal to that, but I also realize that while both extremes are unhealthy, I'll take my extreme. My extreme at least doesn't hurt anyone but myself, while a narcissist leaves havoc in her/his wake. So I've got that going for me. Which is nice.

My goal for this week, though, is to be a little more in line with the narcissist. I will be healthier in my choices, but also I will think well of myself even when I make a bad decision in the midst of a social setting...or even an at-home setting. A few bad decisions do not counter all the good ones I make (or made over the course of the week after the omelet debacle of Monday afternoon). I'm still a good person and a healthy person! I'm worthy of self-respect. If I can't connect physical health with mental health, then I'm doomed to failure. So we all are. So be nice to yourselves, too! Make good decisions, but don't be mean just because you make a bad one now and then!

Happy new week!